YOU ARE MORE

Ladies, why do you stay on in abusive relationships? Why doing you endure all talk about you not being good enough? And the lies and threats that he’s gonna live you which keeps you bound and blinds you from seeing the ‘good thing’ that you are?

Lady, you are good!!!
Stop enduring the pain. Stop listening to his threat. Stop making excuses for him. Stop listening to the devil’s lies
Look in the mirror, and what you see is a shadow of yourself. Rise up and see who you really are; you are beautiful. You are full of grace.  You are lovable. And above all, you are the Father’s handiwork. 

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HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW YOUR SPOUSE?

HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW YOUR SPOUSE?
Last week we discussed a bit about each individual having an  emotional tank, and also shared a few ideas on what to do to fill up each other’s tank. I want to believe we tried out one or two things during this past week. 
Today, we would delve deeper into that topic, and the question I want to ask is this: How well do you know your spouse?  
I know you know his favourite colour and shoe size, and he your dress size and body statistics; but my question today is how much do you know each other? What makes your partner tick?  
You cannot fully understand, enjoy, or satisfy your spouse if you do not really know him or her.  
Have you had times when you bought a device or clothing item and had to look at the manual or tag for instructions on how to care for the item?  I’m sure we all have. The same goes for your spouse.  You need to find out what he or she wants and needs per time and try to adapt yourself to these needs.

 

I said per time because we go through different phases in life, and each phase comes with its own realities, and these realities require certain responses which each spouse should be able to discern  in order to meet the need(s) at hand.  
What am I saying in essence? Learn to ‘feel’ your spouse. Put down your phones as often as you can and listen. 
Ask about her day or find out why he’s had a long face for 2 days.
Listening to your spouse can save a life. Learning to listen will make your marriage stronger. 
Why has she been nagging lately? Why does he no longer eat at home?  Why has he refused to go to work?  and why isn’t he coming to the family union with the rest of the family.  
When you not getting the usual vibes, please ask questions and take your time to listen. If he/she isnt opening up, you should learn to wait till he/she is willing to talk. Your presence or a simple hug might be the healing balm.
When you sense that your spouse is being secretive about an issue, you need to ask questions. If he or she is being evasive, confront him or her.  
It is important to nip marital issues, and issues in general in the bud before they get out of hand   
1) Take it easy on your spouse, he might be going through something he isn’t willing to share yet.  
2) Be patient with him/her  

 

3) When you’re not getting a headway, talk to someone, preferably a mature third party   
4) Pray for your spouse, by doing this, the influence of God is released over him/ her and the situation
5) When things are getting out of hand, speak out    
6) And lastly, whatever the issue is, tell yourself “we are in this together”   
I’d like to stop here for now. Until next time, it’s Wisdom for Singles and Married.
Enjoy the week ahead.

TT

RUNNING ON EMPTY?

Every relationship has the potential to be fun, strong and last the test of time depending on the investments accrued to it.
There are high and low times in every relationship. There are times when couples are into each other, and all they can think about is each other; no third party. 
I remember when my spouse and I were dating, we saw each other for at least 5 days a week without getting tired; we loved each other’s company, and always looked forward to the next day. We exchanged cards, letters, text messages, gifts, and though we both worked, we found ways to call and chat into the night (thanks to NITEL).
We’ve been married now for a few years and I can say that things are not the same; we are older and have so many responsibilities to attend to, and if care is not taken, and we allow the pressures overwhelm us, the relationship we once cherished may suffer harm.
What am I saying in essence? When we allow everyday necessities to get in our way, there is the tendency for a partner to feel neglected. And although the ‘busyness’ may be for the right cause, we all need to learn to carry our spouses along and make them know that they are still priority. In other words, their emotional tank must always be full.
Just like every car thrives on a full tank, and goes wherever it wants to as long as there’s fuel in it, the same goes for every marital relationship. When your emotional tank is full, you are high. It can be likened to a child who has just received a tub of Coldstone Ice Cream or gourmet popcorn, you have made his or her day, and he or she will do anything you bid them to do.
Each of us has an account with our spouses that we draw upon emotionally. If I compliment my spouse or do something that I know he loves, I’m making a deposit in his emotional bank account. However, when I do something awful and aggravating, then I’m making a withdrawal. The wisdom behind it is to make more deposits than withdrawals. The more deposits you make, the happier your spouse, and the more withdrawals you make, the crankier he or she gets. 
For us to develop and improve on our relationship, each must do their best to outdo each other; it takes care of the ‘me first’ syndrome because what both partners are after is putting each other first.
When you make deposits, you build a strong relationship. When you make withdrawals without giving back, you build a weak relationship.When you make withdrawals on an empty account, what you get is a damaged relationship.
So how are you doing currently? Are you running on empty?
Let’s share a few tips on what to do to fill up your tank
Put your spouse first
Be mindful of what he or she likes and do them often
Respect your spouse
Turn off your devices and listen
Watch TV together
Buy an occasional gift
Help with house chores
Surprise him/her by ordering lunch and sending it to his/her office.
Change your lingerie
Compliment your spouse or partner
Show affection in public  
Exchange text messages during the day
Lastly, any last thing you can think about. 
Be creative. Try any of these  out and let’s know it’s impact on your relationship.
Until next time, have a great week ahead.

The Importance Of Having A Checklist Before Going Into A Relationship


Checklists are not automatic tickets to success in any endeavour or your relationships at that, however, they go a long way in ensuring that we think thoroughly to capture every imaginable action or responsibility in order to have a successful project completion (my definition).
The Oxford dictionary defines checklists as a list of items required, things to be done, or points to be considered, used as a reminder.
So what are the things to be considered before going into any relationship?
This isn’t an exhaustive list, but they will sure help in processing your thoughts. 

 

The first are your  beliefs. 

 

Can two walk together except they agree on the same things, ideology, have the same mindset? What are your strong beliefs? 

 

Do you believe in Jesus as your personal Lord and Saviour and he doesn’t? Do you believe that a woman should get to the zenith of her career and he doesn’t? Do you believe in tithing in your local church, while he believes that giving alms is enough? Does he believe it is a woman’s job to stay at home while, while the man works and brings home the money? Does he complain every time you go for worker’s meeting while he hangs out with the boys? I’m wondering why he isn’t at the meeting with you.  
 A guy once asked me if I was the one that killed Jesus… guess what? I am not married to him today. What are your strong beliefs, and what are the things that matter to you the most?
The second point is your background or experiences. 
Permit me to say that some ladies are unwise in their dealings with men. You constantly saw your mum physically abused by your dad, and the guy you’re dating at the moment is doing the same to you, and when confronted by your friends, you are quick to make excuses for him, saying “I shouldn’t have annoyed him”. I shake my head for you. Are you a lab rat? 
Ladies, how do you see yourself? Men treat you the way they perceive you to be. When you come across as needy, they shove you aside. When you come across as strong and whole, you are highly respected. 

What are you currently enduring that should have exited your life a long time ago? Are enduring the physical abuse, mental abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse, verbal abuse because of the fear that you have nowhere to go? 

 

I once broke up a relationship when I noticed that an integral part of my list was not being met.Ladies dismiss your fears. What you are willing to walk away from determines what God will bring your way. 
 So what does a typical girl’s list look like? 
 Tall, dark, handsome, money, cars, attention, social status, furnished appartment, trendy look, religion etc.
 What my own list looked like:

 

Top on my #checklist was the Fear of God. I wanted a man that feared God. When a man fears God, he is careful about the way he treats you. 

 

Next was purpose. I was purpose conscious, and I wanted someone with the same mind set. I believe we were all created by God to fulfil a purpose on earth, and dating someone with the same mindset was very crucial for me. 
 Respect for Authority  was equally important. I wanted someone who respected the people over him. He must have respect for parents, elders, pastors, and anyone in authority whether small or great. 
A guy is likely to treat you the way he treats his family. Don’t  be quick to go on dates outside your home. Let him spend time with your family, and you, his;  after a while, when he is himself and relaxed, his true nature would begin to come to the fore.
Integrity  was also high on my list. I wanted someone I could trust in every area; emotionally, financially etc. Is my husband perfect? Of course not, but you can see a man always yearning to please God and do what is right. 
 The other things? Vision, mutual respect, kindness, hardworking, Innovation, and the list is endless. 
 I have shared a few points off my #checklist with you. Why not write out yours today, and if you are very bold, you could share yours with other ladies using our hashtag #WisdomForSinglesAndMarried
Thank you 

HOW TO ATTRACT THE RIGHT MAN FOR YOU

The foundation for today’s discussion is premised on the fact that you already have an idea of where your life is headed, and even if you don’t have the full picture yet, I want to believe you know what you want in life, because It would be a disaster to get engaged to guy who doesn’t know where he is headed. It’s like asking a blind man to lead you; you’ll both end up in the pit in no time.
 
So how do you attract the right man for you? That’s pretty easy; go into your closet and pick out a really fitted top that makes what Mama gave you pop, a pair of bum shorts, stiletto heels, big earrings, a sexy hair do, and of course your red lipstick, and trust me you’ll have tons of men on your heels.
 
You know I am kidding right?
 
Anyone can attract a man, but it takes much more to attract the right man. It all depends on your preference whether to go for any man or ‘The Man’.
 
What’s your idea of ‘the’ man for you? Tall, dark and handsome with some money in his pocket?
 
We ladies are usually tempted to look out for the wrong things when thinking of a life partner. I remember when I was younger, I wanted to date a guy that when he entered a room, everything and everyone stopped. Sounds like you right. Every lady wants a handsome guy.
 
A handsome guy doesn’t necessarily make a good husband or dad. A rich guy may not esteem you as you would want him to. A tall guy? who knows, could be the terror of the family. If he treats you nicely but have character flaws, you are in for big trouble.
 
Do not let the way a guy looks, the car he drives, the money he doles out, or the way he treats you make you take off your thinking caps. What are your values? What are the things that really matter to you?
 
I have seen ladies who sacrificed their values, desires and aspirations in the bid to keep a guy. When you do this, you are robbing yourself of love, robbing yourself of your life, and murdering your future. Such women, though pretty and happy on the outside are never fulfilled. They usually cry at night and wish they had focused on things that really mattered to them.
 
So let me ask you a few questions:
 
What are the qualities you want to see in your man? What values would you want to uphold in your budding relationship? I’ll advise you pick up your journal and write them out.
 
My mum once helped me with this by asking me to write out 10 things I wanted to see in ‘The Man’, and thank God I did because it helped me in making a decision I have no regrets about.
 
If you are making this list, it’s usually better to do so before the guys start to come, because at this point, there’s no one on the scene so your thoughts are not clouded. But when the guys start to come, and you do not know or have what to look out for, you may end up picking the right guy based on your emotions.
 
Focus on the things that matter.
 
I would like to stop here for now. Thank you for joining us on today’s chat. We’ll continue same time next week as we go further on today’s topic.
 
Have a great weekend.
 
TT

PODCAST LINK FOR FINDING YOU BEFORE FINDING MR. RIGHT

Good morning Everyone. Welcome to a beautiful second half of the year.
If you missed the tweet chat on #WisdomForMarriedAndSingles last Friday, you can catch up by clicking on the link below.
Today, we would be discussing practical ways to attract the right  man for you. Time is 7pm on twitter. #WisdomForMarriedAndSingles
Thank you

@fathersgirls

FINDING YOU BEFORE FINDING MR. RIGHT – SoundCloud

Listen to FINDING YOU BEFORE FINDING MR. RIGHT by Lola Tewe #np on #SoundCloud

FINDING YOU BEFORE YOU FIND MR. RIGHT

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Hello everyone. Wisdom For Singles and Married kicked off today, and I’d like to say a big thank you to everyone that joined in the chat.

Please find the full notes below.

Like I said during my broadcast earlier this week, this series was inspired by the need to answer questions that I believe are in every woman’s heart regarding their relationship and even other women across the globe (dreaming big right?) Yeah!!!

Let me say before we kick off that our discussions would be faith based, and the reason is because God created the idea of marriage, and if we are going to go about it the right way, then we would need to go with the manual. Now don’t tune off yet, we will also use some common sense and ensure our discussions are balanced. If you are cool with this, then let’s get down to business.

We all thrive on relationships. If we are ever going to accomplish anything at all in life, we will need people.

Some relationships are for a season of our lives, they are temporal, while some others are supposed to last a lifetime. Your marriage is one of such. Your relationship with your husband is supposed to last as long as both of you are alive.

I am sure we have all seen or heard of broken marriages, abusive marriages, troubled marriages and all, and if marriages are supposed to last a life time, do we encourage these people to stay locked-in in spite of their challenges? We will get to these topics in the coming weeks. However, today, I would like to focus on our Singles.

Ladies, getting married is not the end of the world, it is the beginning of an integral part of your life; a school you never graduate from till the end of your life. Marriage will make you better or bitter depending on whom you decide to go on the journey with, and this is the main reason why you need to choose right.

Many ladies ask what it means to choose right; It could be complicated for some and yet easy for others.

Choosing right starts with knowing you. Who are you? Do you know you? It would be unwise to decide whom to marry without knowing who you are.

Before I met my husband, I knew I was going to be actively involved in preaching the gospel, and whoever I was going to get married to had to have the same passion. In fact, I had dated two other guys whom I practically forced to love God and stay committed in church, but it didn’t work out, why? Because I was trying to go against who I knew I was.

Knowing you isn’t difficult. It starts with having a relationship with the Father. As funny as it sounds, no one knows you better than the one who created you. Psalm 139 gives a full picture of that.

If He knew each day of your life before you lived any of them, I dare say that He would also know the ‘right’ man for you if you’d allow him.

When this new relationship starts, as you continue to spend time with Him by reading your bible and praying regularly, God will begin to show you things that pertain to your life. As time goes on, you will begin to see flashes of your future, or see yourself playing certain roles. Your desires will begin to change, and your focus would begin to shift and focus on things that define who you are. You will become a new person.

“Do I need to go through all of this to find Mr. Right”?  You might ask. “I know people that are not born again that have good marriages”. I bet there are, and I know a few as well.

Let me say something here. A lot of people live by principles, and principles in themselves are truth and they do not usually fail; although they are beginning to. If you follow principles, you may get the expected results; however, you need to understand that people and principles are not the same. While principles may be constant, people respond to situations based on their feelings and beliefs, and their reactions per time would be driven by these factors.

So what do we need to do? In my opinion, I feel we shouldn’t live our choice of a life partner to chance. We must be deliberate, and ensure we are led by God.

Thank you for joining us on today’s chat. Let us meet same time next week as we discuss the practical things to do in choosing a life partner.

Have a great weekend.

TT
@fathersgirls

WISDOM FOR SINGLES AND MARRIED

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So hubby travels and gets me this gift “Hollywood Best Wife Award” or more like a “Tewe Best Wife Award”. When I got it, I was happy, but at this same time, I wondered if I really deserved the “BEST WIFE” tag on it.

Like everyone out there, I am not perfect; I make mistakes, get angry at him sometimes, complain, argue, procastinate, and do a lot of other things he may not like, yet he went ahead to get me the plaque.

What did he see, and what did I do right? How did I even get to this point of getting the award?

Many may think it was something he saw on the shelf, felt was a great idea to boost his emotional bank account with his wife, but I dont think so.

We have been through so many things that could have torn us apart, yet we are still standing.

Over the last few months, I have had to counsel young ladies and women who are having issues in their relationships and marriages. Some are opting for a divorce in less than 6 months, and they are wondering how they got there in the first place.

Marriage is good and honourable, but many are going through pain. Some ladies just want to have children with no strings attached… why, because they see the wrong things being modeled to them everyday.

I do not know it all, but in Titus 2:3-4, the bibles says that the older women should teach the younger women; teach them to comport themselves, to be responsible, and live their lives in such a way that would bring glory to God.

As a result of this, I would like to share regularly, as led by God, and people’s questions and perceived needs, the things that help us build better relationships that can be modeled to the world.

I will not be doing this alone, we would have mentors and role models answer questions and also share their experiences so far.

So join me this Friday, 25th of June 2016 by 7pm as I start a series I title “Wisdom for Singles and Married.”

We are in this together!!!

#thrivinghomes #healthyandgodlyrelationships #rolemodels #hearttoheart #sistasista #fathersgirls #weovercometogether